Talking about Your Loss

"Do you have any kids?"

"How many siblings do you have?"

"How long have you and your wife been married?"

Often when meeting new people or getting to know someone on a deeper level, these types of questions often arise. While they typically asked out of curiosity and easy conversation topics, they can hit a painful nerve deep inside.

When you're asked about the relationship you've lost and grieved, it can feel incredibly difficult or complicated to give an answer. There usually isn't a perfect way to respond, and it may be situational at the time. You may feel comfortable sharing in some circumstances, and uncomfortable in others. For example, you may not feel comfortable answering these questions in great detail in an interview, whereas you may feel better answering in a small group at church or a book club.

Here are a few ways you could approach it, depending on your level of comfortability and what you determine is right for you.

1. If you want to acknowledge your loss:

   • "I did have a baby, but unfortunately, we lost her. It’s been really hard."

   • "Yes, I had a child, but we lost him two years ago. It's something I carry in my heart every day."

     
     

     This can be a meaningful way to honor their life and the memory of them, while still maintaining your privacy and intimate details of your grief. Acknowledging your loss can open a conversation for shared vulnerability, or open the floor for discussions if you're comfortable. If you're not ready to get into this conversation, you can quickly transition the conversation in another direction.

     
     

2. If you're not ready for talking about your loss:

   • "I’ve been through a lot recently, so I don’t really talk about it much."

   • "I did, but it’s a tough subject for me. Thank you for understanding."

     
     

     Sharing these small bits of information allows you to set a boundary, and let the person know what you're ready to share. If you're not ready to discuss your loved one who died, this may be a good avenue to allow you to ease into this later when you're ready.

     
     

3. If you're open to discussing it:

   • "I had a baby, but we lost them. It’s a big part of my life that I’m still processing."

   • "I was married for 12 years, and tragically lost my wife four years ago. It's been a difficult couple of years without her."

   • "I have brother, but he passed away."

   
   

   Sharing these details brings a level of vulnerability to your conversations, and allows you to share your favorite parts of your loved one. By speaking of your loved one, you are keeping their memory alive and sharing their legacy with others. This can be a beautiful way to spread awareness of the disease/condition they passed from, share their passions, or keep their spirit alive.

   
   

Answering with as little or as much detail and information is up to you and what you're comfortable with. Remember, once you've shared that information, there is no taking it back. If you feel a sense of protecting your grief or your intimate family details, you may want to be careful who you share this delicate information with. We hope that people ask with genuine interest and care, but cannot guarantee everyone will react positively. Read more about responding to insensitive comments here. How you answer is entirely up to you, and it’s okay to not have a clear-cut answer. Talking about loss may bring up feelings for others as well, and you may find a community where you least expect it.

You should feel no pressure to discuss something you're not ready to share. As you navigate these questions and scenarios, remember your loved one and your grief are not forgotten.

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