"I would've hugged her longer if I had known."
"I would've called him sooner if I had known."
"I would've asked different questions if I knew."
"I would've tried to help more, if only I knew in time."
"I would've done things so differently if I knew time was running out with them."
Maybe you've caught yourself saying that. Maybe you've found yourself thinking of the seemingly never ending list of things you would have done differently, if only you knew. If only you knew they were sick. If only you knew they needed help. If only you knew that someone else would make a choice that would forever change your life and take your person from you. Whatever the specifics are for you, chances are, you've taken your turn of asking the "what if" and "why" questions, and ruminating on the "would've" statements.
A few months after my loved one died, I remember running through my list of "would've" statements. I would've said more. I would've texted him more. I would've expressed my concerns sooner. I would've taken more pictures. I would've taken videos to be able to watch now. I would've focused more on our relationship rather than focusing on working overtime hours. The list goes on.
The harsh reality is, the "would've" lists won't change anything. The more I dream of the would've thoughts, the more I slip into a dark space that doesn't change my reality, he's still gone. This cycle has made my grieving process exponentially harder.
The brain has a powerful habit to turn to the past when we’re in pain and processing our feelings. Grief invites us to replay every conversation, every missed chance, every text, every tiny detail that might have somehow altered the outcome. It’s human nature to want to fix things, to go back and change history to make the pain go away, to bring our person back. To take their cancer away, to stop the drunk driver from having access to the car keys, to breathe life back into our loved ones. If we could just figure out the "right" thing to do or say, we might feel like we could bring our loved ones back to us or somehow undo the suffering.
But the reality is that we can't change it, no matter how many would've thoughts we hold. And in grieving, these “would haves” often become a false narrative, where we believe that if we’d done something differently, if we changed our actions, it would have spared us this pain. Yet, the truth is that grief itself is not about avoidance—it’s about embracing the painful reality and slowly learning to live with it and adapt with it.
How to Move Beyond the “Would'ves”
Acknowledging Feelings Without Giving Them Control
It’s important to allow yourself to feel the regrets and sorrows that comes with the “would haves.” Denying or ignoring your feelings can lead to them surfacing in unhealthy ways later on. But it’s equally important to acknowledge that these feelings are just that—feelings. They are not a reflection of your worth.
Self-Compassion in Practice
In the face of loss, it’s easy to be hard on yourself and make blame personal. Self-compassion involves accepting your humanity—the truth that we all make mistakes, deny opportunities, and have imperfect moments and flaws. Allow yourself to be gentle with your heart. You did the best you could in the circumstances, and it’s important to give yourself grace as you navigate this journey.
Change the Narrative: Focus on the Positive Memories
Instead of focusing on what you didn’t do right or didn’t say when you feel you should have, try to turn your focus to the positive memories you shared with your loved one. Reflect on the times you supported each other, the laughter you shared, the connection that was felt. Focusing on the meaningful moments can help quiet the voice of regret and doom.
Remember, Grief Is Not Linear
Grief is a messy, non-linear track. Some days you might feel at peace with the loss, and other days the "what ifs" may consume you and tear you apart inside. Be patient with yourself as you navigate these highs and lows. It’s okay to have good days and bad days, productive days and days of rest. What matters most is how you give yourself permission to feel and heal.
Release the Need for Closure
One of the hardest aspects of loss is the lack of closure. You may never have the answers to all the “would haves,” and you can learn that it's okay. Sometimes, healing comes from releasing the need for certainty or closure. Instead, trust that while you may not have control over the past, you do have control over how you move forward. Changing the story of how you move forward can allow you peace as you continue.
Seek Support
Whether through a professional therapist, support group, or trusted friends and family, sharing your thoughts and feelings can be incredibly healing. When you talk about the guilt and regret, you may begin to see that you’re not alone in these feelings. Others who are grieving often experience similar struggles with “what if” thoughts.
Conclusion: Letting Go of the “Would Haves”
It’s normal to replay moments in your mind and wonder how things might have turned out differently. But holding onto these “would haves” with shame or guilt doesn’t serve you—it only prolongs your pain and suffering. Grief is not a process of “fixing” or changing the past; it’s about accepting the past and finding a way to live in the present, with all the love and memory of your loved one intact.
While the road to healing may be long and winding, letting go of the weight of “would haves” can open the door to a gentler, lighter, more compassionate path forward. You deserve to heal without the weight of regret holding you back in this space. Take a deep breath, and remember: you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. That’s all anyone can ask for. Your loved one and your grief are not forgotten here.
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