What Could Be

As my journey through grief and healing progresses, I’m learning it expands. The more days go by, the more I heal, but the more I find that bothers me. Meaning, the longer I go on, the more grief exposes itself in my life.

As I sit with my grief, I look back on how far I’ve come over the years. The person that was once crying daily, never hungry, quick to anger, and lost of sense of wanting to continually face each day - she is gone. That person has flourished. I am able to wake up each day and be grateful for the days I have been given with the people I have left. I spend moments of each day reflecting and remembering my loved one, often in a happy, positive light. I have fallen beautifully into a routine of coping and healing.

However, as I sit and reflect on all that has come for healing, I’m finding there are new areas of grief that keep blossoming, feeding on my emotions. Specifically, the loss of the future and relationships I imagined.

It’s the idea that relationships will forever be empty, even relationships born after loss. These thoughts haunt my reality as I look at those I love and others in grief and see all the loss of what could have been.

Children will be born and never meet their grandma beyond pictures, stories shared, recipes made, and clothing items cherished.

New significant others will have a brother or sister in law they’ll only meet at a cemetery, memorial spot, or through stories.

Children will be born and celebrate Father’s Day with the men in their community that stepped up, but never know the true relationship with their father.

Parents will have pregnancy announcements left unshared, and baby clothes left hanging in a closet, with no baby able to wear them and watch them grow up.

Nieces and nephews will be born and have a fun aunt they’ll never get to go on adventures with or make memories learning and playing with.

Weddings will be attended with an empty chair for a loved one who will not be there to see the big day.

First day of school pictures will happen without mom there to fix their children's hair just right before flashing a toothy grin.

These relationships and moments would be special, and we are only left to imagine what dynamics and connections could have been made.

As I sit with this grief, it reminds me to hold tight to the loved ones we have and to cherish the memories we make. It reminds me to take the candid pictures, the videos, the voice notes, and the time to create memories to hold onto. These moments of dreaming of the relationships that could have been can take ahold on us if we let it. It can bring a sense of longing for a life that was or could be.

Maybe this will always be a burden we carry. Finding an outlet to process this and make peace with it can be a great step to moving forward. Things like therapy, journaling, finding a creative outlet, and focusing on the things we can change rather than those we cannot can be great places to start.

Surrounding ourselves with a village is crucial in these moments. Lean into these feelings. Make peace with what is, what isn’t, and what could have been. This is easier said than done, but the weight we carry with this can lighten each step we take forward. If you are grieving a relationship, such as watching someone's kids grow up without them, aim to help create a village. Offers for stepping in for Daddy Daughter dances when there is an absence, baking cookies with the family that lost a grandmother figure, or holding space for those who are missing can be helpful ways to help others move forward as we grieve together in community. As you grieve what could be, there are also new opportunities blossoming before you, if you're willing to explore them.

As your grief continues to reveal itself in new ways, even years down the line, even after you thought you’ve healed, give yourself grace. These waves of grief often hit hard and unexpectedly. As always, remember your grief is not forgotten here.

Read about Finding Comfort in Pain Here