The Pressure of Living

"You have to keep living, do it for him. Live your life and enjoy it. He doesn't want you sad."

In this early stages of my grief journey, I was told to live my life for them, in their honor. I was reminded that my loved one doesn't want me to feel sad that he is gone. While these things were said out of a place of good intention and as an effort to instill hope in me, these words added a lot of pressure.

The idea that I was disappointing my loved one by grieving. The idea planted in my mind that he was upset that I was missing him. The thought that he might disapprove of my longing for my "old life", life before grief, back if he were here to see it. This planted a seed of unease, with tearful nights being spent trying to stop crying.

"He doesn't want you to cry, crying won't bring him back."

These comments, though often they were said with good intentions, were not helpful for me. They left me feeling guilty for grieving, shameful for feeling sad when I was told I should be happy that he isn't suffering anymore.

It took me months to quiet those thoughts. I worked hard to quiet the voices in the back of my mind. The voices that told me to stop crying, the times I was told feeling sorry for myself wouldn't make it better, the times that I was told grief was interrupting my career and success.

The more I heard those words echo through my mind, the harder I worked to put them out of my mind. Each time I heard those thoughts, I remembered they don't know what my loved one would want. They didn't know if crying helped me or not. They didn't have a right to make comments on my success of lack thereof, as they are not the ones waking up every day in my reality.

I felt the pressure to be happy, to show up for events I was "expected" to be at, despite my recent loss. I felt pressure to continue to be the best at work, despite the chaos that swarmed my head. I felt pressure to ignore my grief and focus only on joy. It felt that "living for him" meant abandoning my life for me. This was an incredibly lonely feeling. While I wanted to move forward in a happy life, I was losing the sense of self I had come to know and love in my own life. These thoughts only made their comments come to mind faster, louder, and stronger.

When I heard these comments swirl through my mind, I quieted them. I looked through pictures of my loved one and I, sharing happy memories. I focused on things that would make me feel better, regardless of what others had to say about it. Specifically, for me, this looked like taking time to process privately. I rarely showed grief or negative emotion in public, as I didn't want to invite these comments to continue. I took time to myself at home, where I felt safe. This meant the times that I did share my grief, it was with close, trusted family and friends, rather than an acquaintance I would catch in the grocery store on a random Tuesday.

The more I turned this process in on myself, the stronger I felt. The more I made this grief experience about my healing, rather than the things that would make others more comfortable or feel better, the more I was able to heal. The pressure of living for my loved one was never put on me by my loved one. It was placed on me due to the discomfort of others that didn't know what else to say to me. This idea, the pressure of living, was planted within me in a time I was unable to see what felt right to me.

By turning in towards myself with the most vulnerable, raw parts of my grief, I grew in self confidence. It showed me that I can rely on myself, as only I know what I truly need in each big moment. Though I was able to rely on myself, I also realized it still takes a village. If you don't have a village that you can trust or rely on, there are places to turn. Support groups, therapy appointments, blogs, books, quotes about grief and loss from others who understand, and more are all places you can turn to find support. Finding something that feels comfortable to you is the first right step to moving toward to healing.

Now, years into my grief and healing journey, I am living for myself. I am living a life I feel my loved one would be proud of, but I am not doing it for him. I am living for me. The more I choose myself, in grief and life in general, the more I feel better and am able to make room for more than just my grief.

Wherever you are in your grief journey, try to take the pressure off. The pressure of keeping a clean house/completing all your chores can be pushed off another day, the comments of others can be quieted, the tears can flow when you feel them coming. Excuse yourself from the pressures that others put on us, the societal expectation to "get over it" can be pushed away. As you aim to take the pressure off and choose your journey to healing, your grief is not forgotten here.

Click Here to Learn About Our Grief Resource