The Diagnosis

"Let's sit down. We got some bad news."

Chances are, if you found out your loved one had an illness, disease, or health struggle that led to their death, you can remember something about the conversation. Perhaps you remember the outfit you were wearing, the meal you were eating as you learned the news, the words used on the phone call, the questions that scrambled through your mind as you tried to make sense of the news you were receiving. Maybe you remember the after events, running through the parking lot to get to alone time in your car, pacing up and down the hallway as you tried to calm your breath, or even the thoughts of what this might mean. Maybe you remember bartering with reality, thinking 'this diagnosis isn't the end of the world, there are tons of people that received this diagnosis and made a full recovery. I'm sure they'll be fine. They have to be fine, I still need them.'

Whether you had a long time to process the news, or just a few hours or short days, this time will likely never feel like enough. There will never be enough time to cram in memories, learn their life story, and fit in everything you want to do together. Making these last days or months worth of memories can be painful, as you anticipate the grief that lies closely ahead.

The anniversary of the diagnosis date can weigh heavy on a calendar of grief. For some, this might be the last or one of the last days or moments you had with your loved one. For others, this might have changed the last times you spent together, as the days were filled with what ifs, and an impending doom as the ending of their story was foreshadowed by a diagnosis.

As you made these memories, you might have been holding your breath as you held out hope for a recovery. Maybe you held on, believing that a miracle could save them, or a new medicine could fix what was wrong, a cure would be discovered, or a test was read wrong and they were okay. Perhaps you bargained with God, the universe, or a higher power, promising sacrifices or changed behavior if your loved one would recover. Perhaps you prayed harder, lived better, and clung to the idea that you had some control over the outcome of your loved ones life based on how you lived yours.

Perhaps your loss was immediate, as you prepared for the birth of a new life. Maybe you never got to spend the time with your loved one, a baby that was prepared for and already so loved. Remember your grief and loss is just as real. That diagnosis changed your entire trajectory in a matter of seconds, often being too late to make the bargains with a higher power. Maybe you lost the opportunity to hold your baby with one short sentence, a whole story untold might have flashed before your eyes. That diagnosis date will always be more than just a diagnosis and some harsh words that rang through your mind for months to come.

If any of this resonates with you, you're not alone. These last moments and days can leave a lasting impact on us as we navigate our healing journey. If you made pledges or promises to a higher power and you still lost your loved one, give yourself grace. Hold tight to the good memories that you were able to make with your loved one. These moments can help us power through the moments of loss, anger, and denial that come flooding through with grief.

As you continue on your healing journey, remember you are not alone. It is common to remember the diagnosis moment. Working to identify your triggers in this process can allow you to cope in a healthier mindset and set yourself up for healing in a new manner. As you proceed, remember your grief is not forgotten.