The Calendar of Grief

Their birthday.

Their favorite holiday.

Their death date.

The day you got the diagnosis.

The last day you saw them alive, hugged them last, or talked to them.

Your anniversary or an important date you shared together.

Your birthday without them to celebrate with you.

When you consider all the days that grief are "scheduled" into your calendar, it seems the list continues, on top of the day to day grief that arises in the healing process. No matter if you're one week or 25 years into grieving, these dates on the calendar can bring their own set of emotions and challenges.

Taking time and space to yourself to process is crucial around these dates, but might look different for everyone. As your body remembers the feeling of losing them, the grief might feel fresh in these moments, as if it was only yesterday that you lost your loved one.

In these moments, take a deep breath and hold space for yourself grief. Allow yourself to sit in these feelings. Remember they are big feelings tied to a big love you have for another person. Creating a mindset of honoring them or living that day for them can be a helpful way to move through the day.

Lighting a candle, saying a prayer or hosting a ritual, writing a letter to them, or creating a special way to honor them can be a helpful way to move through the day as you experience these days.

Finding a mindfulness or grounding technique that helps you feel comfortable can bring a sense of solace in uncomfortable ways. Exploring these techniques might include ice cube grounding or the 5-4-3-2-1 methods when you're feeling overwhelmed. The calendar of grief holds many variables, and will look different for everyone. Finding a routine or technique for moving forward safely and comfortably can allow for these dates to pass by more peacefully in an uncomfortable, painful time.

If you're worried about your emotions, give someone you trust a heads up. For me, this looks like: "Hey, just so you know, next week Tuesday will be a hard day for me. I just want you to know in case I seem off or take some space to myself." This allows my friends or family members to be aware that my shift in feelings, emotions, or reactions might not be in response to them, but rather an internal shift I am experiencing. By offering this "warning," I am able to prepare others for any negative feelings that I give off, or reach out for support before the biggest feelings start. This can also be an opportunity to ask for additional support or make plans to honor your loved one together. Something like this could be as simple as saying: "Thursday is the two year anniversary of my mom's passing, I was thinking we could go to her favorite restaurant together to honor her that day."

Similarly, sharing stories, saying their name, and reliving positive moments/memories or connecting with others who shared these experiences can allow you to find community, comfort, and processing through these tough moments. Finding ways to connect with the memory of your loved one might allow for closure, healing, and comfort. This may include talking to them each morning, writing a letter to them, visiting their resting place, or doing their favorite activity might help you feel closer to their memory.

If you find yourself dreading these days, becoming anxious, or angry as these important dates approach, seeking professional help through individual therapy, support groups, or grief groups can be a beneficial way to cope through these big, confusing, lonely feelings.

No matter how you move forward around these big dates, you're going to experience big feelings. The grief will inevitably wash over you, coming in waves crashing against your heart. Sit with these feelings, as they are a reminder of the deep love and connection you shared with your loved one and continue to hold for them. Lean on others for support as necessary, and as always, your grief is not forgotten here.

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