Talking About Their Loss

Supporting someone who is grieving a loss of a loved one, relationship, or major life event can be a delicate, vulnerable act. How you show up for them and respond can greatly impact their grief, as well as your relationship with them. Even the strongest people need support and empathy when tragedy strikes. Here are a few things to consider as you move forward with this support.

1. Give them time to share:

Even if you know about their loss through reading in the paper, seeing something on the news, or talk around town, give them space to share. Allowing them to process by sharing, and giving the details that they feel comfortable sharing can bring a sense of autonomy that is often taken from them in the process of loss. If they are not sharing, it's okay to acknowledge their loss and offer your sympathies in a respectful manor. See examples below.

1. Acknowledge their pain:

   • "I'm so sorry for your loss."

   • "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."

   • "I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm here for you."

2. Listen actively:

   • Let them talk and share their feelings at their own pace. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is listen without feeling the need to offer advice or solutions. Avoid interrupting or minimizing their feelings. Just allow them to express themselves freely. Comparing their loss to something you've experienced may feel like a good idea, but can often come across as diminishing their loss. It's often helpful to take a step back and let them guide the conversation.

3. Offer a safe space for emotions:

   • Let them know it’s okay to feel however they feel, whether it’s sadness, anger, confusion, or anything else. Offering tissues or a hug if they want it can be a way to quietly let them know you care for them, and are holding space (physically or emotionally) for them as they walk on this journey.

   • You might say, "Whatever you’re feeling right now is completely valid. Take all the time you need."

4. Ask how they’d like to be supported:

   • "Is there anything specific I can do for you right now?"

   • "Would you like some company, or do you need some space?"

   • "I’m here to help with anything, even just to listen if you need to talk."

5. Avoid clichés or minimizing their grief, and say their name:

   • While well-intentioned, phrases like "They’re in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason" can feel dismissive. Instead, just acknowledge the pain without trying to explain, fix, or overcompensate for it.

   • Saying the name of the deceased allows the griever space to remember their loved one, and opens the floor to share memories. Acknowledging the life that was lived can be a beautiful way to help keep the memory and their spirit alive for the griever.

6. Offer practical help:

   • Grieving people often struggle with everyday tasks or societal expectations. Offering help can be very meaningful, like: "Can I bring you a meal?" or "Is there anything I can help you with, like running errands or taking care of things?" Dropping off a meal can be an easy way to offer support that doesn't feel emotionally taxing for you or the person who is grieving.

   

   
   

   • If you know they need something specific, offer it directly, like, "I can help you with the funeral arrangements, if you'd like." Read more options here.

7. Check in regularly:

   • After the initial shock, grief doesn’t go away quickly. Let them know you’re still there for them as time goes on. Often, the funeral ends and most people go back to their normal life. The griever has no normal life to return to, so continual check ins every few weeks can be helpful to remind them they're not forgotten in their grief.

   • "I’ve been thinking of you. How are you doing today?" This lets them know you care without being overwhelming. This can be a quick text, a call at the end of the day, or a simple line in a card. Sending a set of Forget Me Not Notes could also be a way to remind them they are thought of and loved.

8. Respect their process when talking about their loss:

   • Everyone grieves in their own way and time. Some people may want to talk about their loved one frequently, while others may prefer not to for a while. Follow their lead and let them guide how they want to be supported.

     
     

Above all, just be present and show empathy. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can offer is your unwavering support and willingness to simply be present with them. Grief can be a long and lonely journey, so your continued care and understanding can mean the world to them. Remind them along the way, that they and their grief are not forgotten.

Learn More About Forget Me Not Notes