Grieving Someone Who Hurt You

Grief is rarely simple. The lonely nights, the misunderstanding onlookers, feeling like you're drowning in feelings you can't even identify, the list goes on. But grief becomes especially tangled when the person who died is someone who also hurt you. How do you mourn a relationship that was both love and pain? How do you move forward with honoring them in their loss or accepting the ending when you're still hurt by the actions or words they left you with?

You might feel sadness, anger, guilt—or nothing at all. And that’s okay. There’s no “right” way to grieve someone who left behind wounds as well as memories. Just like the experience you had with them, the way you cope and grieve that loss is unique to you.

You can miss the good and still carry the hurt and pain that transpired. You can cry for their absence while feeling relief that some things and moments are over and can never be repeated. These emotions can exist side by side.

You can feel solace knowing that the bad experiences will never be done again, and also not be filled with grief. Grief may not hit you right away, or at all. That is okay, as it's important that you allow yourself to be however you are. Give yourself permission to feel it all—without judgment. You don’t have to rewrite the past to grieve. You don’t have to pretend they were someone they weren’t. You are allowed to feel angry, to feel hurt, to be disappointed and sad for the way things turned out, even while other people talk about their good qualities. You may have known that person in a different capacity than the people that put them on a pedestal in their death. You know and need to honor how you feel, because you're the person that needs to show up for you.

Grieving complicated relationships is a form of healing. You’re not just mourning the person—you’re mourning what could have been, what never was, and what still lingers. Grief, in relationship to losing someone who hurt you, is a unique situation. Give yourself grace as you navigate this path. You don't need to explain your feelings to others, despite the questions or judgment they share about it.

Whatever you feel is valid. Just take it one honest breath at a time. Your grief and your feelings are not forgotten here.

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