The first time their song comes on the radio.
The first day of school for their child.
The first birthday without them.
The first holiday not picking out gifts for them.
Grief is typically defined by the initial loss. But even more, grief is continually shaped and reshaped by the “firsts” that follow the loss. This can include the first time you go to a favorite place without them, celebrating a holiday without them in their spot, the first trip without them, and so much more. It’s the realization that they aren’t there. These milestones are often sharp, piercing into our new reality, reminding us that life is different than we had imagined or expected.
These moments can hurt or cause an overwhelming ache in our hearts. There seems to be a clearcut division – the life “before” loss, and the life “after” the loss. Experiencing these firsts can be a big reality check for us, as they serve as reminders that our loved one is really gone.
The life you had before the loss, and the life after can be similar, but feel incredibly different. Most of the people you share your time and spaces with are the same, most of the activities or daily to lists remain similar, yet there is someone missing. The person you shared your laughs with. The person you called to talk about your day. The person you watched the game with. The person you swapped stories with at school pick up. The person you grew old with. The person you grew up with. The person that taught you what it meant to love and be loved. It’s hard to imagine a life without them, yet you continue to wake up day after day and they’re still gone. This harsh reality is the after, and it’s loaded with firsts. Whether it’s the first time you hear their favorite song, the first time you try an activity you once shared together, or the first birthday card you can’t mail, there is a mixture of both sadness and strength. Through this, we grow stronger each time we survive a first, no matter how much it hurts.
These firsts can be painful, and can happen when you least expect then, Give yourself grace and try your best not to judge your reaction. Allow space or lean on a trusted friend or family member if needed - there is no right or wrong way to grieve these firsts.
The grief we experience doesn’t disappear or diminish with time, but as each new “first” gets experienced, we learn how to navigate life without the person that once filled it. Despite how painful these firsts are, we also have a beautiful opportunity and a new space to honor our loved one and the memories we hold of them. As we allow space for these big first milestones, we learn to push forward, in our own way, with our own strength, with the love for them we hold in our hearts.
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