As I got ready for the holiday season this year, a new tinge of grief flared into my festivities in a way it hadn't before. I was bringing a few dishes to share at a family Christmas celebration, and started by jotting down my grocery list on a scrap of paper. As I made the list of ingredients I would need, I also made a list of all the people that were coming, to ensure I got enough ingredients to feed the whole crowd. I listed out all the names - aunts, uncles, cousins and their significant others - double checking my list a second time to make sure everyone had been counted. As I ran through my list for that second time, I was hit with a cold, new wave of grief as I noticed my loved one's name on my list of attendees, years after he had passed away.
There has been dozens of celebrations - Christmas dinners, Easter brunches, birthday parties - and years of family festivities now since he had passed. And yet, as I was counting out my list of attendees to make sure I had enough food, I still counted him as if he was going to be filling a plate alongside of us this year. Instead, there would be one less chair filled, and one less plate to wash after a meal shared with loved ones.
As the grief resurfaced, I let the reality wash over and sat in my feelings, questioning how this could have so quickly slipped my mind.
Could I possibly have prepared myself to be expecting the unexpected in grief this year?
Grief can come with so many unknowns. It is hard to know what to expect as you begin your grief journey, but also years into it. As you start out, you aren't sure of what all of your triggers are, you don't know who will continue to show up for you in your support circle, and you can't predict how you will feel one day or the next.
Expecting the unexpected in grief can be challenging. It can be helpful to keep a log or a journal to be able to identify patterns, notice what things might be triggers, and to track how you're healing. This can be as simple as buying a wall calendar from the dollar store and marking each day with a highlighter color to track how you did - blue might be feeling sad or crying, green for a day you felt energized or rested, pink for anger, etc. Once you've colored the square to match your day, you can jot short notes to write what the trigger was or how you were feeling. This will not eliminate all the unexpected moments, but can be a helpful tool to notice which parts of your routine or encounters might be adding to your weight of grief.
Be gentle with yourself when you catch yourself in these moments. It can be harsh when you return to the reality of them being gone. Learning and tracking your triggers can be helpful, but there will most likely be an inevitable slip. Hold your loved ones close and reach out for support in these moments for strength. Your grief is not forgotten here.
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