Coping Without Their Things

"I think of her every time I see her mug."

"I'm reminded of him each day when I see his baseball cap hanging on the hook, it's nice to be able to find little glimpses of him around me, even now."

"I'm so thankful to have her recipe box, having her recipes and cooking her dishes will keep alive in my kitchen and my heart."

Losing someone is never easy or a clear path, and it can feel particularly challenging when you aren't able to surround yourself with reminders of your loved one. Without any physical reminders, it might feel like the connection you have with them is fading or becoming more distant. Without tangible objects, there are still options and ways to cope and remember your loved one, even through grief.

Personally, it took over a year for me to be able to see any of the things from my loved one. Living in separate homes means you may be under the timeline of whoever is in control of their things (their spouse, their parent, etc.) Wishing for something to remember them, even if it is as simple as one of their dozens of hats from their collection, their sunglasses that always rested on their head, or a keychain that always dangled from their ring is completely natural. Finding a small way to keep them close was important to me, just as you may find for yourself. For me, adding a keychain to my keys was a great reminder that he was with me in spirit in my travels. Adding an ornament to my Christmas tree dedicated to him helped me feel connected in the the absence of a happy holiday season. Finding these small ways to bring a sense of connection back into my home eased the pain even if just slightly, even without access to any of his things for memorial.

Hold onto the Memories

While you may not have their collection of books, or their favorite wooden spoon, or their favorite stuffed animal that went with on all their adventures, you still have the moments you shared together. Reflecting on conversations, laughter, love, and time spent together can keep their memory alive on the day to day. Recording these, whether through writing, video documenting, audio story telling, or in a scrapbook can be a positive option to preserving these memories. Similarly, saving any voicemails to preserve their voice, or keeping notes, pictures, or texts that they sent you can keep them close to you as well.

Create New Rituals

Forming new ways to remember them can be key for coping with grief when you don't have access to their things. Whether you light a candle on their death anniversary, make a cake on their birthday, or sip your morning coffee while sharing your thoughts with them in a journal, there are options. These options of rituals can bring comfort and keep their spirit alive and close to you.

Write about them

Journaling, writing letters or poems, or recording your memories of them can be a healing way to express your feelings. If you're struggling to find ways to start, a set of Forget Me Not Notes can guide you with prompts through quotes to remember, relate with your grief, and honor your loved ones. Receiving the weekly or monthly prompt can allow you space to write about them or to them to continue the relationship, in a new format. Even if you never mail any letters or share them with anyone, putting your thoughts and feelings on paper can help in the process of coping with grief.

Lean on Others

Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can aid in the loneliness and coping journey. Often, sharing your feelings and stories can bring light to the positive memories and lighten the burden and heavy weight of grief. This can also remind you that you're not alone in your grief.

Honor their Legacy

Keeping in mind the impact that they had on your life can be crucial to keeping a light of hope in your heart. Their influence lives on in you, through the things they taught you, the values you shared, and the conversations that shaped your mind.

Replicating their Things, or Creating New Items

While it will never be the same, you can consider replicating their favorite items. Buying a copy of their favorite book to keep on the shelf, buying their favorite Christmas ornament to hang on your tree, or buying a piece of logo wear from their favorite brand or sports team may allow you to feel a piece of them tangibly in your home, even if it's not the original. Creating a new item, like a scrapbook, framed photo, tie or t shirt blanket, or keychain can be small, simple ways to bring their memory to your life in a tangible way, even without access to a big pile of their things. Coping without their things can be difficult, but creating something new or repurposed can be a great way to process and navigate your grief. This could be done as an afternoon activity with loved ones, or privately to move more at a pace that is comfortable to you.

Coping Without Their Things

While you might not have material things to remember them by, their memory is carried in your heart, and that's often more healing and impactful than any length of fabric, bin of toys, or cup they once relied on for their caffeine fix. However you're honoring and remembering them, your grief is not forgotten here.

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