Coworkers asking "When you'll get over it?"
Tense and stressful family dynamics as each person learns how they need to cope.
Partners trying their best to be supportive, but asking when you'll act like yourself again.
The guilt you give yourself as you try to manage it all.
Whatever it is for you, we all have our moments we feel judged in our grief. We feel moments of comparison and expectation creep in at our most vulnerable time. Perhaps you feel this judgment the strongest coming from yourself. Maybe you've thought you should be doing more. Maybe you've thought your relationship with that person was small so the loss shouldn't impact you as much as someone else.
It's easy to get caught up in the world of social media, stuck in a culture that expects instant gratification, and swirled in generations all holding different ideas of expressing emotions.
Social Media
We can scroll all the social media platforms and see posts that drag us down. Seeing the anniversary post for the neighbors, the happy birthday messages for a friend, vacation pictures from a complete, happy family, or birth announcement photos for a new addition to the family can be unexpected triggers.
It can be easy to see that and think "I wish I had one more family vacation with my sister here." Or, "I'll never get to make another anniversary post for us." These harsh realities sting as we compare our current circumstances to the happy life we see our friends living on the internet.
Choose yourself in these moments. Sit with your thoughts, close the app, and give yourself grace. Remember, social media culture shows only the best parts of our lives - the smiling faces in those photos will have their down days too, just not posted to the internet for friends to look on with. Hold space for yourself as you process these moments of longing.
Instant Gratification
We live in a world and a culture where instant gratification fuels many of our actions and our emotions. We are constantly filled with instant rewards, online shopping the moment we see a new pair of shoes we want to own, upgrading to watch tv without ads, quick ready meals when we don't want to or have time to wait to prepare a fresh meal, and more.
In grief, it's easy to fall into that mindset. Living with this long, heavy ache and pain in grief with no quick, easy, fast fix is outside of our norm. Going to therapy for weeks before seeing any major results, journaling for days before feeling like writing something positive, seeing pictures of loved ones that have passed and feeling mixed emotions are all things you might encounter in the realm of hoping for instant gratification.
Sit with those feelings. Imagine what it would be like if we took a step back from the speed and immediacy of life. What would change? Perhaps we could find ourselves being more comfortable in the times we are stuck in limbo, waiting for answers, waiting for change, or waiting for progress. Perhaps in our grief, if we had a life where we accept waiting, we could take time to focus on our healing and making the small changes to feel better.
Generational Differences
Each generation has been taught a unique way to handle emotions. Some generations handle their feelings quietly and privately, while others have found themselves turning to strangers, therapy, or the internet for advice or listening ears.
Perhaps as you grieve, you feel judgment from someone in your family or social circle for the way you are grieving. Having healthy boundaries can be incredibly important in these instances to protect your own grieving process. If you find yourself at odds with someone, consider the stem of the issue. Is it someone in a different generation/raised to cope differently? Hold space for yourself if you're finding judgment being placed on your coping techniques. Just because it doesn't work for them, doesn't mean it isn't right for you. Creating space for yourself to grieve without an audience or judgment can be a helpful step to finding the right balance.
Choosing Yourself in Grief
Whatever the specific situation is that you find yourself facing, choose yourself. Choose what makes you feel right in your journey to healing. If something doesn't work for one person, it might still work for you. Choosing yourself in grief will look different for everyone.
Take a step back from the social media expectations, the societal need for instant gratification, and the generational differences that might stand in the way of choosing your own path. Putting your needs first, as long as they don't harm anyone else, is imperative to your grief and healing journey. Your grief is not forgotten here.
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