Challenging My Grief

Starting my path through grief, I felt every ounce of my life consumed with loss. Going to family events with someone missing, I was filled with loss. Going to work and realizing I wouldn't have my favorite person to swap stories with, I was filled with loss. Something as simple as grabbing a snack or going to a gas station, I was filled with loss as I was surrounded by his favorite food, his favorite snacks, his favorite songs, his advice, and again, I was filled with loss.

As I took in the world around me, all I felt was loss. I couldn't see the sun shining on a beautiful day, hear my favorite song on the radio, or enjoy a meal without the moments of loss. They were thoughts of "I wish he was here to try this," or "I wonder if this would be his new favorite song," or "I bet he would be out training his dog on such a nice day" flooding my head.

The hours went by, often normal activities interrupted by sadness, crying, headaches and brain fog, forced smiles to alleviate the concerns of bystanders to my grief. The weight of this grief was heavy, crushing down on my health, emotions, and wellness.

The more I noticed how much I had lost, the more I dove deeper into my grief. The comments of others, giving their input on how I should be grieving piled onto the stress of simply surviving each day.

The more I was driven to my grief, the more desperate I got for a way out. But, as I was told countless times, grief doesn't end, it doesn't get better, and it will not be going away.

I took this as a challenge. I took this fact, that grief doesn't end, and decided to challenge it. I challenged my grief, as I dared myself to look beyond what I have lost and focus on what I had.

I challenged myself to smile at one stranger when I stopped at the store to grab my groceries. I challenged myself to appreciate one thing in nature each day, even if it was just a sunny day, or a nice puffy cloud on a bright blue sky, or a butterfly in a field on a commute to work. Sometimes I would write these things down, on a scrap of paper, a flap of a notebook, or the back of my hand. On the hardest days, I put them somewhere I could see them. I wanted to be reminded about the good parts of life just as often as I remembered my loss, my grief, my pain.

The more I challenged myself to find just one small joy or gratitude for each day, the less I felt loss. I still feel loss, miss my loved one, and have my intense moments of grief. There were and still are days that I feel crushed by the reality of my favorite person being gone. There are days it's hard to find joy. But those days are more manageable and less frequent as I continue to challenge my grief.

Challenging my grief, for me, is an ongoing process. It will be a process I need to continue for months and years to come. It will still be clouded with death dates, birthdays, anniversaries, and random days throughout the year that are filled with loss. The more I make an effort to get outside of my grief, the easier it becomes to find things to be grateful for. It didn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen 24/7/365. But it has gotten easier. It feels as though I live alongside my grief, rather than having grief in control of every moment of my life.

Whether you're just entering your journey with grief, or you're ready to invite gratitude into your days, your grief is not forgotten here.

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