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Breathing Through the To Dos

Writer's picture: Forget Me Not NotesForget Me Not Notes

"It's okay if all you did today was breathe." ~ Yumi Sakugawa


This week I had big plans of finishing up a plethora of half finished tasks that keep getting pushed off for "when I have time," or "when I have the motivation," or "when I get caught up on this other list of to do's." The reality is, I know I will feel better when those looming, half started projects and chores are finished. I know the mental load will feel more and more manageable as I cross off each task from the list. But the other reality is, even years into my journey walking through grief, I still have to make time for getting caught up in the moments of grieving.


Maybe you set up a whole day of productivity - you're planning to go to the bank, grocery shop, drop off a bag of donations to the local thrift shop, start on preparing your taxes, grabbing all the things for a fresh, home cooked meal, cleaning the house, washing the mounding pile of dishes. And then it hits you. Grief enters the room, and the plans crumble. Perhaps you remembered your loved ones jacket is in the bag of donations, and you are swept into the thoughts of letting part of them go. Maybe you got invited to an event and it means you'd have to go without your loved one, and the sting of the reminder is hitting you harder than you expected. Or, maybe you woke up and just didn't have the energy.


Personally, I got caught up in the seemingly insignificant details. As a birthday party approached quickly on the calendar, it sent me down the rabbit hole of questions. The "Why? Why isn't my loved one here to celebrate with us?" "What would he have given as a gift?" "Would he have played the pin the tail on the donkey games, or sat back watching quietly?" and mostly, "Will this feeling of someone missing from the party ever lessen?" Those thoughts swirled around, pinging off each other like a pinball game as I tried to prep - birthday presents bought, cards signed, presents wrapped, desserts made, plans coordinated. All while wondering, what it would be like if he was here. How different life would be with my loved one by our sides, sharing in the festivities, going on as usual.


Regardless of your reasoning, regardless of your trigger, take a breath. It's okay to push those tasks off until you are ready for them. Breathe, a big deep breath in, holding that breath in your heart with a happy memory of your loved one, and let the air and good memory flow through you as breathe out. If it doesn't feel okay right now, sit with that. It's okay to know that someday it might feel better, but it's also okay to acknowledge that today, it isn't okay. Sit with the feelings, whether that is fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, and hold space for them.


I sat with my feelings. I canceled the plans that felt too big, I pushed off birthday present shopping for another day, and found my comfort supports. A hot shower, a quick note in a journal, and a small piece of chocolate to round off the night and an early bedtime were all in order for my coping. I breathed through those big feelings, a new deep breath for each intrusive thought and looming question. And, when I was ready to start back on my to do list, I found myself breathing through the to dos. They still had a few moments on overwhelm, but were much more manageable as they were guided through self care and deep breathing to regulate my feelings and emotions.


The clothes will get folded another time, the homecooked meal can be made tomorrow with a simpler meal subbed in for today, the dishwasher can be emptied later. As you hold space for the big feelings and unexpected triggers, give yourself grace. These moments happen to the best of us. If your tasks cannot be pushed off for as long as you need to feel better, ask for help from your loved ones until you make it through those tough moments. Having even one supportive person by your side can make a huge difference. Consider reaching out to a professional if you need extra support.


However you're feeling, whatever to do list chores are pushed off until later, sit with it. Breathe through it. It really is okay if all you did today was breathe. Seek support when it is needed, and take solace in knowing your grief is okay. Your loved one and your grief are not forgotten.



"breathe"  on a neon sign in a wall of green leaves

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