Birthday Blues

"What do we do about his birthday now?"

"Do we 'celebrate' the day?"

"It feels wrong to let the day go by without acknowledging it, but I don't feel like celebrating."

The first birthday after the loss of your loved one can bring a ton of mixed emotions. It might feel "wrong" to celebrate, to throw a party, to cheer and have a good time, when the loss is so fresh. It might feel conflicting to involve their favorite things, feeling that it was highlighting the fact they aren't there.

No matter what you decide to do about their birthday, there will likely still be an aching element of loss. The good news is that there are a few different options, and you get to decide what feels right to you.

Celebrating

The first option is to celebrate. Treating the day like any other year of their birthday might bring a sense of normalcy. Ordering a birthday cake from their favorite bakery, whipping up their favorite treat or meal, or visiting their favorite restaurant can all be ways to celebrate another year, just as you would have if they were there with you physically. This can be a great way to honor their memory, and have a sense of keeping their spirit or traditions alive.

While this might bring feelings of loss, it may also bring a sense of community and connectedness as you come together with each other. This could be a great opportunity to share stories, reflect and reminisce on memories, and connect with other loved ones on the thing you love most about them.

Volunteering/Donating/Good Causes

If you're struggling with the sense of "celebrating" without your loved one there, you might take this day as an opportunity to give back. Volunteering at an organization/for a cause they felt passionately about can be a great way to feel their love and character even on a day they feel far away. If you don't have the free time to donate, you could consider donating monetarily.

Bringing treats to teachers, first responders, or front line workers instead of buying a birthday cake can allow you to share their story, share their passion, and share in connection over food to bring a sense of togetherness with the community.

If neither of these things resonate with you, consider what to do with their gift money. If you normally would spend money on tangible gifts for them, and feel a sense of loss in shopping for their gift, there are alternatives to give back to the community in this sense. Asking a nursing home if they would accept bingo prizes, paying off a child in need's lunch account at a local school, donating toys to a local nonprofit after school club, or donating products to the local animal shelter can all be options. Doing this in memory of them can bring you reminders of the things they loved and better the community in the process.

Memorial

If celebrating or spending time or money on community do not fit the bill for your grief journey, consider a memorial option for these birthday blues. This could be a small service with their friends, family, or coworkers, or a family dinner to come together and share food and fellowship with each other. If you're looking for something more intimate, you could plant a tree, hang a new windchime, create a piece of art to commemorate them, or hang a new picture of them in your home. Writing them a letter to look back on your grief journey through the love you still hold for them can also bring a sense of connectedness to them in a way that cutting a birthday cake might not.

You may want to visit their resting place, whether that is a cemetery, spending time with their ashes, or going to their favorite park or spot to spend time. Connecting with nature may bring a sense of calm, peace, or serenity in a way that birthday cake, balloons, or big parties may not.

Birthday Blues

Wherever you find yourself in your grief journey, remember you're not alone. All who have lost a loved one have been in this position, asking themselves what to do with this first birthday. You can decide year to year what feels right for you. One year you might gather with family, and the next you might choose something else, and that is okay. You will likely feel a sense of loss, like someone is missing, and the feelings of grief may come on stronger than you expect. Take these moment by moment, and do what feels best. Reach out to family, friends, or professional help if needed to continue through this emotional time. Your grief and your loved one are not forgotten.