Tangled in Grief

Grief doesn’t follow a script. It doesn’t arrive on schedule or exit quietly after a “respectable” amount of time. There is no perfect cure, pill, or recipe for grief, or navigating grief. And yet, we often find ourselves tangled in expectations—both our own and those imposed by others—about how grief should look, how long it should last, and what it should allow us to do. This feeling of being tangled in grief can be overwhelming as you try to connect different thoughts, feelings, triggers, and emotions. It can feel messy, it can be confusing, and it can add extra pressure to an already uncertain time.

You might hear people comment, “You’re so strong,” when inside you feel like you’re unraveling. Hearing that you're strong is meant as a compliment, but it might leave you feeling more misunderstood or tired than complimented. Or you may feel guilty for laughing at something when you're “supposed” to be mourning. Expectations can become a silent pressure, making us feel like we’re doing grief wrong. These expectations can come from many places. It might be expectations that you place on yourself. It might be from family members watching to see how you cope. It could be expectations you see on social media, in the workplace, or even in your social groups. It can be helpful to identify where you feel the most pressure for these expectations to be able to handle them or avoid them.

But grief is not a task to be completed. It’s a lived experience—raw, unique, and unpredictable. There is no linear path, no perfect performance, just moment by moment twists and turns. Some days will feel heavier than others, and that’s okay, give yourself space for both the good and the bad.

As you sit with the idea of feeling tangled in grief, you might resonate with the idea that grief shadows all aspects of your life. You might still have good days, happy moments, and joy, but the reality is that grief is always there, lurking in the background. Sorting out what is grief and what isn't can be difficult as you navigate the journey. Adding the pressure of grieving a certain way can feel impossible.

Letting go of the pressure to grieve a certain way is one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves and each other. Grief, in its truest form, asks only one thing: that we feel what we feel. And that’s more than enough. Your grief is not forgotten.

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